Even If You Don't Want to Speak Tonight
by takoyn Kudou
Summary: A Yoji and Aya fic. Aya finally lost it and is reflecting and remembering. He believes he's lost Yoji before he ever really had him. -Editted because there were too many mistakes.
1. Default Chapter

Konnichiwa Minna-san! Genki desu ka? I hope so! I know I already posted this but I realized I had posted it with far too many errors for my liking. I suppose that's what I get for sloppy proof reading. Aside from the chapter of this which I posted earlier, it's been a while since I've posted. I had this chapter done and sitting around, so I thought I'd throw it up on here and see what people thought. Hope you enjoy! 

Oh, the song is "Breathing" by Lifehouse in case you're wondering. I don't claim any rights to it or to Weiss.

* * *

I can't say that everything has been okay lately. In fact it's all been everything but okay lately. It all started a month ago. Actually, some things started and some things finished and other things ended. Other things just left all together.

I snapped. After years of the killing, years of lies, years of blood, I finally snapped. I don't remember that night well. I do remember certain things up to a point but after that I don't remember a thing. All I know is that we were on a mission. It was some sick twisted bastard who liked to mutilate teenaged girls and young women. By far one of the worst we had ever seen and we've seen most of the worst.

I've been told what happened to me that night.

I had gone for the kill of the main target. I remember the body falling limp and dead to the ground. I had looked up and seen a young girl on the desk in that was in front of him. We were too late to save her. She was dead, mutilated and almost beyond recognition. I remember staring down at her dead body thinking she must have been no more than 14. Her life so tragically taken away from her at such an age. I remember feeling upset, and this intense feeling of anger that although I had killed her killer, I felt that she still needed some justice. The years of killing flooded into my mind. The people I have slaughtered because no one else could. All I could see were the lifeless bodies of their victims. All I could see were their stories in the papers about how their bodies were found and how brutal their killer was. I remember my mind was screaming.

I've been told I was screaming. Omi apparently approached me to try to help me. See what the matter was. I had turned and looked at him with a look of murder, hate, anger and vengeance. I wanted blood. I threw myself at him. Knocking him to the floor. I landed on top of him and hit him, several times apparently. The others ran to his aid, to pull me off of him. To protect him. I fought all of them hard. They had no idea what was going on with me. They tried to talk to me, to see what was happening. I wouldn't answer them though. I was staring at them like they were all strangers. They were finally able to knock me out. They rushed me home and immediately called Manx. She arrived within minutes with a doctor. They told her what happened. With the aid of the doctor they removed me from the Koneko and placed me here. Their private psychiatric hospital and here I've sat for the past month.

_I'm finding my way back to sanity again_

It's been an interesting month here. Talking with the doctor's. Talking with my teammates who come to visit me. Omi, who despite what I did to him, brings me flowers to cheer me up and talks to me in his chipper way. Although I've never apologized for what I did to him I think he knows I'm sorry.

Kritiker wants me to take a rest apparently. Even once I'm out of here. They don't want me working again until they're sure that nothing like this will happen again, at least not for a long time. They want me in the Koneko though. They want me there so the others can watch over me, take care of me and report back to them on how I'm doing. They didn't tell me that but I got that impression from my discussion with Manx and Birman. They told me they wanted me back there so I'd be in a familiar surrounding and be able to keep up to date with what is going on with my team members. I don't know what I'll do with myself though if I can't do the missions at night with the others.

_Though I don't really know what  
I'm gonna do when I get there_

Part of me is quite upset at myself for what happened. For the snapping, for the disappearing so suddenly from everyone's daily life. I don't like that I lost control but I suppose it was bound to happen at some point. I try to be such a controlled person and I failed at that.

When I said that some things had started, finished and ended I meant it. What started? Well my life here at this hospital. The nightmares started. I've woken up many a night screaming from dreams full of blood, death and murder. Those ones don't terrify me as much as they should. It's the ones of my family that scare me the most. I only met my mother's brother three times in my lifetime. I was young when I did. I don't really remember meeting him but my dreams have been of him. Of me being young again and him coming into my room when I'm already in bed. I feel scared and don't remember exactly what happened but I remember my mother finding out and I never saw him again.

I wake from those dreams screaming, covered in a fine sweat, my heart racing. I wake from these dreams much like I wake from the dreams, nightmares really, I would have before this hold incident. Back when I was still in the Koneko. For the longest time I would sit in bed and hug my knees to my chest wide-awake and unable to get back to sleep.

_And take a breath and hold on tight_

I did that for the longest time. That was until I had someone to comfort me in the night. Sadly I think that's one of the things that has finished and ended.

_Spin around one more time_

When I would wake up from my nightmares two weeks before I was admitted to this hospital I had Yoji to comfort me. He'd wrap his arms around me until I stopped shaking.

_And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace_

He would lie there and listen to me when I wanted to speak. I can still remember the first time it happened. It wasn't the last time it happened either but as those two weeks went by they happened less and less. Instead of every night it went to every other night or even further apart. Unfortunately I think my admittance to here has ended anything I ever had with him.

TBC

* * *

So minna-san, what did you think? I'd love to hear what you have to say! 


	2. I just want to be here now

Konnichiwa minna-san! You're on Chapter 2 now! Thanks for continuing on! It's very much appreciated. I don't have much to do at work right so you may see the rest of this very shortly. Otherwise the rest won't be up until after Labour Day weekend. Huzzah for school starting again. Ugh. Ah well, it's my last year and then I'm free!!!! Well, maybe. Anyway, enjoy what I've written!

* * *

**Yoji's POV**

Aya's been gone for over a month now. I don't know who's been having a harder time dealing with his absence. Omi has taken it pretty hard. He looked up to Aya, respected him. Admired his strength and skill. Ken was one of the first people Aya opened up to really. I'm still not so sure how he was able to break through that icy exterior so quickly. Within in a couple months of Aya's arrival to the team the two of them would go out and get a coffee together once a week.

I have to admit I had my suspicions then. I thought maybe there was something more going on then we were suppose to know. Aya wouldn't pull away if Ken put his hand on his shoulder like he would do if I did the same thing. The idea was finally flushed from my head when Ken had that thing with Yuriko. I don't think that would have happened if he had been with Aya at the time. Especially since Aya knew about it and while he was upset about the possibility of Ken leaving, the idea of Ken with a girl didn't seem to bother him. Also the when Ken decided to stay with us instead of going to Australia I asked him why he chose too and if it was because of Aya. He stared at me for a minute and then started to laugh. He told me that Aya was his best friend, not his lover. He did tell me that Aya did have a little crush on someone though. He wouldn't tell me who though.

I found out months later that I was the one Aya had the crush on. To be honest I didn't know what to think for the first while. He didn't know that I knew. I found out in my own ways. Finally I approached him about it. He tried to deny it at first but he was so taken aback when I told him that I knew his cool and composed cover slipped. He became flustered and blushed. Eventually he gave in and told me that it was true.

The truth was that I had always found our stoic leader to be attractive and I had lusted after him at several points in time. But once I found out that he liked me that lust shifted into a like. I found myself not wanting to just ravish him but to know more about him. I wanted to be able to go for coffee once a week with him and talk.

I attempted to court him slowly. I didn't know how much experience he had had with dating or anything like that. I suppose I was too nervous to ask. In the end I discovered that he hadn't experience much at all. He was very shy about the whole ordeal. However, he can actually be quite a touchy-feely person. He loves to be cuddled. Just held snugly and talk or say nothing. Which ever felt right for the moment. And cuddling was all we did even though he slept in my bed for the last two weeks before he was admitted. Not much had happened at that point. Just some kissing, mild touching, nothing too outstanding, for me at least. It may have been a bigger deal to him, although I'm not sure.

I discovered something during those two weeks. Aya has nightmares almost every night. Also that the reason why he's such an early bird is not because he makes himself get up early but because his dreams wake him then and he can't go back to sleep. I remember the first time this happened.

Flashback

I sat up right startled by the screaming I could hear. Realizing that for once it wasn't me screaming I turned a looked at my new bedmate.

"Aya! Aya, what's wrong?" I ask reach my hand out and touch his shoulder. He flinches away and stares at me wide-eyed, terrified. He stared at me for a minute unsure of who I was. Slowly I could see the panic and fear fade from his face.

"Yoji?" he croaks out.

"Yeah, it's me. Are you okay?"

I could see him start to shake and start to pull his knees up to his chest. I reached out and hug him close to me.

"Hey, what's wrong? What's going on?"

"Bad dream," he answers.

_Cause I am hanging on every word you say_

"Bad dream eh? What happened?"

He doesn't answer but buries his face into the crook of my neck and shakes a little more.

_And even if you don't want to speak tonight_

"Okay, okay. You don't have to tell me if you don't want too." 

_That's alright, alright with me_

I held him until he stopped shaking. Until I could feel his muscles start to relax and that he could maybe get back to sleep. It was the middle of the night and we both still needed sleep. I rub his back gently trying to encourage him to relax even more. We've barely had 4 hours of sleep.

_Cause I want nothing more than to sit  
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing_

Before I even realize it he had fallen asleep again. His face still tucked in by my neck. I can feel his breath on my collarbone. Slow, steady and even. Not a hint of what had just happened. He did fall asleep on my arm though. I rolled over a bit to try and free it only to have him grab on to me more tightly. I quickly rolled back to the position I was in and smiled to myself admitting defeat. The first hour of the morning was not pleasant as all the blood flowed back to my arm but it was worth it. That was one of the few nights that I didn't see her face in my dreams and I knew that this is what I needed.  
_Is where I want to be yeah  
Where I want to be_

TBC

Well minna, what did you think? I'd love to hear from you!


End file.
